I need to start making the right decisions.

Work.

I feel out of place and awkward at all the jobs I'm finding lately. Like I'm out of their circle. I really don't even want to be in the circle. I just want work to be workday without circles. I'm so bad at making friends. Just awkward all the time.

She told him no. She told him no and that was it. No more tries, no more chances. She was shutting the door and she was leaving. Have to stop her, have to touch her, have to get her stationary and just explain. Tell her every excuse, every lie. Just make her feet stop. Reach her ears. Reach her ears with your fucking voice and shake her down with your words. You pushed her away and you can bring her back. Easy, like before. Carefully placed tones and words. Hypnotize. You know how. Like playing a song on piano. Duh duh duh duh duh. She's in your arms. Only, she's not. She knows the song, too. She knows every fucking note and she's had enough of your bullshit. She is done and she is gone. And it's your fault. Your fault. My fault.

- Written to the piano song at the start of Where the Wild Things Are. Holds no relevance to my life at all.

I forgot to eat lunch again. All I've had is 2 donuts and some of my big lollipop. It makes me sick to think about all that sugar.

9-5 6-1

Been at work all day. We don't have a musical act tonight, though, so it'll be less stressful than I was expecing. My manager is out of town, too, which is even better. She's so overbearing. Devon and I have been talking about jobs. Ideally, I'd have one job and one paycheck and that would be enough. That would be amazing. I'm tired of these overlapping schedules. It's stressful, and I'm not even making the money I need to make to be comfortable. Is this something else I shouldn't expect at 21?

Go to college, kids.

The kittens learned how to hop. It's pretty much their main source of movement now. We don't have carpet anywhere in the house, though, so they slide around kind of like they're on ice. It's funny. They're cute, but I can't wait until we can get them homes. I'm tired of having so many cats. They're in my face all the time, and they smell. It puts me on edge.

Work was long and awkward, as usual.

Daily grind.

Working 2 to midnight. Awesome, I'm so Awake and energized for my shift I'm so ready to work it's not like I'd rather be napping or anything.

I just left C's house for the night; we both cried before I left. We always do when I leave at night, because we're sappy babies. I've just never felt like this with someone before. I'm always so legitimately upset when I leave her, even though I know it'll only be about 3 days until I see her again. I've never felt so attached. It still takes me by surprise sometimes, like tonight. Especially when I think about her feeling the same way toward me. As much as I wanted it to, I never thought I'd be able to call her mine and love her and touch her and be completely myself with her. It's so beautifully unexpected.

Still at Moe's

shamelessly abusing their free wifi, and using all my free will to not dance to this song in the corner by myself..


It's almost impossible.

Aug. 8, Thoughts from Moe's

I should not be able to hear you eat
from 2 booths away, over this music.

It's cold in here.

I want to refill my drink, but people are here
now and I don't want to leave my laptop.

I need more new music to download.

I wonder what the employees think I'm doing.
I've been here 2 hours already.

Should I order more food?

It's really cold in here.

It smells strictly of corn chips.

Is it always this slow here?

The eaters from 2 booths away are speaking Japanese.

It is really fucking cold in here.

Aug. 7, An Intervention

We talked to my parents about my younger sister today. She was doing some really stupid shit. If she has to hate me for a few years to start making better decisions, then fine.

Lesson of the day: remember that your actions can, and often do effect other people. Don't be an idiot.

Falling asleep to Julie & Julia, in the same bed as my babygirl, right under the AC vent. It'll be a good night's sleep.

Aug. 6, cont.

Same drives, same lights, same weather, same faces, same conversations. Tired of this place.

--

I can't stand the sound of people eating. The sound literally makes me angry. Why have I worked at so many restaurants?

--

I really should blog more. I think about so much stuff. Maybe I'll sleep better. Sill raining. All my manager does is gossip. I don't want any tables tonight. I almost don't care about the money. I hate compromising for money. I hate money. I told my dad that and he said I just hate not having enough. I just want to do something that makes me happy. I guess that's too much to ask for in a recession. This music is awful. My legs are still sore.

Aug. 6, First entry.

Copied from my notebook.

I'm at work. It's raining. I feel like that's all it ever does now. I don't mind too much. It cuts down the hellish heat we'd have otherwise. It wrecks havoc on my hair. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I guess so I can have a little more confidence. I'm sick of these jobs. It's impossible to get respect at 21. Manager and her regulars talk at the bar about the "horrible, horrible pain" their mothers are in. Aging scares me.

I hope the roads of C's neighborhood aren't flooded when I go home later. I already know this night will be long and I won't want to deal with it. I miss her. It's weird how much. It's only been an hour. I can't ever manage to worry about the things I have to worry about when I'm with her. That's nice.

I read Laura Grace's blog today - it was interesting. Made me miss blogging. Here we are.